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The Globe and Mail
SEARCH

Company says, worker says

Monday, February 22, 1999

The Globe and Mail

Employers and employees speak different languages, according to a recent E-mail circulating around cyberspace. The contrasts break down as follows:
EMPLOYER'S LINGO

Competitive salary: We remain competitive by paying less.

Join our fast-paced team: We have no time to train you.

Casual work atmosphere: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

Must be deadline-oriented: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some overtime required: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Duties will vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Must have an eye for detail: We have no quality control.

Career-minded: Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Apply in person: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

No phone calls please: We've filled the job; our call for résumés is just a legal formality.

Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience: You'll need it to replace the three people who left.

Requires team leadership skills: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

Good communication skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
EMPLOYEE'S LINGO

I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization: I've used Microsoft Office.

I'm honest, hard-working and dependable: I pilfer office supplies.

My pertinent work experience includes: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I take pride in my work: I blame others for my mistakes.

I'm personable: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'm extremely professional: I carry a Daytimer.

I'm adaptable: I've changed jobs a lot.

I'm on the go: I'm never at my desk.

I'm highly motivated to succeed: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.


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