Company says, worker says
Monday, February 22, 1999
The Globe and Mail
Employers and employees speak different languages, according to a recent E-mail circulating around cyberspace. The contrasts break down as follows:
Competitive salary: We remain competitive by paying less.
Join our fast-paced team: We have no time to train you.
Casual work atmosphere: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
Must be deadline-oriented: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
Some overtime required: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
Duties will vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Must have an eye for detail: We have no quality control.
Career-minded: Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
Apply in person: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
No phone calls please: We've filled the job; our call for résumés is just a legal formality.
Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience: You'll need it to replace the three people who left.
Requires team leadership skills: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.
Good communication skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization: I've used Microsoft Office.
I'm honest, hard-working and dependable: I pilfer office supplies.
My pertinent work experience includes: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
I take pride in my work: I blame others for my mistakes.
I'm personable: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'm extremely professional: I carry a Daytimer.
I'm adaptable: I've changed jobs a lot.
I'm on the go: I'm never at my desk.
I'm highly motivated to succeed: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.